While working on my evidence paper today in the library, I happened to decide that it would be nice to take a quick break and look out the window. I study at tables in the middle of the library so that I don’t spend too much time looking out the window, so in between the windows and I there is

1. a set of bookshelves, but they run perpendicular to the window so I can look in between them; and,
2. a row of study carrels, same deal wrt orientation.

Anyways, I looked over to my left (where the windows are) and saw that the couple occupying the carrels in my line of sight had decided to stop working in order to give each other full back massages. Compounding the problem, neither one of them was attractive. I can’t believe that there are not library rules forbidding this kind of unfortunate display.

I tried to think of one that would work. Right off the bat I acknowledged the problems inherent in trying to maintain one set of rules for attractive people and another set for unattractive people – the main one being the whole “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” deal, so enforcement would depend largely on who was enforcing the rule at any given time, so I abandoned that distinction.

The first one I came up with was:

But then I thought, “Sometimes, you pass a friend and they look so bummed that you just have to pat them on the shoulder or something. Or you see someone and they are so happy that you just have to give them a high five…and your policy outlaws that. Way to go, you fucking selfish heartless dictator. Good thing you aren’t actually allowed to make any library rules.”

So then I thought that maybe this would work:

…since it would allow people to console or congratulate each other (important!) but would also avoid prolonged and unfortunate displays of affection. Its main flaw, of course, is that it is premised on a lie.

I finally settled on this:

I think it addresses the underlying issue nicely while empowering library patrons to determine their own actions accordingly.